It's February 9th 2019, a little too late to say "Happy New Year" but hey...?? better late than never so.. Happy New Year to everyone reading this.
I guess sometimes it's just good to press the reset button, I really was in a place where somethings came in between and so i had to hit pause till I was sure I can bring back the old me and here I am.
In the time I was silent, I worked for different companies (which I hated 😒😐) and even started by clothing store officially (which I love 💪😀), I think i needed that.
I needed to settle down, I needed to figure myself out especially after the cultural shock, well, I wasn't really shocked but when I came back to Tanzania, everyone I used to know seemed like they did. People started looking at me differently, It felt lonely especially because I was looking forward to coming back home, turns out I was wrong... but hey? this is only the beginning, read on...
Once you step out of a flight, even if its to a nearby place, everyone start acting funny and telling you that you have changed.
The part that no one gets is you haven't really changed, you probably just improved. At least that is how it worked for me.
The same jokes you used to tell are now perceived as offense, they would say things like.. "just because you went abroad doesn't mean you can just say that" or "oh! so you think you are better than me because you went abroad?" and you would sit there like 😕 how did we even get here?
If it wasn't that you think that you are better than me cr*p someone threw at you, it was "so what presents (yes not singular, present with an "s") did you get me?" I mean! how close were we exactly? and why should I bring you any thing? and why should you assume i had that much money to bring something for everyone? and even if I did my suitcase would be full and I have too many shoes and clothes to carry, where should I put those if I fill it with everybody's presents? especially if you never checked me or spoke to me till you realized I am not in the country?
It gets better, everyone starts assuming you are rich and be like "hey, can you lend me some money I promise to pay you back" and they never do, don't even try asking for it back because the response is always "come on, you just went abroad" Brah! that doesn't mean I am rich 💩, yes! the pile of poo is what I would imagine them to be. The list goes on and on till you can't take it anymore and ultimately lock yourself up.
Honestly the feeling was overwhelming me. It felt that even my closest friends weren't as close as I thought and honestly, I NEEDED TO DEAL WITH THAT.
This was only one part of why I got so disconnected with writing and taking pictures. The time I took was scary but It gave me something to chew on, I started seeing things more clearly and I realized.. I needed a clean slate, to be bigger and better and most of all, to not care what people were talking behind my back.
It got worse when people started finding out I have a boyfriend, yes a boyfriend! but they only see color. And now it wasn't that I was acting different because i traveled, now its because i am dating a person that isn't African nor close to being black.
For me this was the moment of realization and I finally said "gfys"and "Idgaf"
I realized even before I left, people always had something to say about me and perhaps I am just paying more close attention now because of the way people cannot keep it a secret anymore.
I realized that I don't need to force myself on people and if I am of an importance to someone, they would know where to find me because I was tired of finding them.
I realized, my biggest goal for 2019 is to love myself more than I ever have because I owe it to myself to be happy and if this makes you see me differently well, perhaps we aren't birds of the same feathers and when I realized this I realized, I needed a fresh chapter.
Yes, I cannot and will not erase where I come from but I will cherish the memories and use my past experience to help me get to where I am going and need to be.
So, i hope that this article will help you find that as one of your goals for 2019 and to know that, just as not everyone can/ will love, not everyone can/ will hate you. Your task is to figure out who belongs in which group.
Once again....
It's February 9th 2019, a little too late to say "Happy New Year" but hey...?? better late than never so Happy New Year to everyone reading this.
#beinganastazia2.0
WELCOME BACK TO BEING ANASTAZIA!!!
Stacy💕
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